


Spring Breeze

by nadeu1dan



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, a very self-deprecating wooseok, oh my god they were roommates, yohan a little ray of sunshine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 12:56:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21036584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadeu1dan/pseuds/nadeu1dan
Summary: And when it's reaching its end, Wooseok starts dreaming.





	Spring Breeze

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta-ed. English is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. Based off on a fic I really love.

Kim Wooseok lived a routine. Getting out of his bed. Reading the news on his phone and answering his mom’s messages so she wouldn’t worry and think he was dead. Drink his black coffee, with no sugar. Do homework. Shower. Sleep. Then the cycle would repeat itself. Until one morning, where the phone ringing changed it all. Alarmed, he had to pick it up. Could be his mother, his stepfather. Or even college to tell him he should just drop out – that he was too useless to be trying to enroll in business school. Or someone asking about _ them. _

“Hello? Is this Kim Wooseok?” A very impatient and way too bright voice says over the phone. Someone’s voice who Wooseok couldn’t put a face on it. _ "_Is someone there? Fuck, did I call the wrong number-” His thinking got interrupted by the same voice. 

“N-no,” Wooseok hates the way his voice trembles. Stupid Wooseok. “You’re talking to him.” A sigh of relief could be heard in the other side of the line. _ What was going on? _

“That’s a relief! Oh my God I thought I had the called the wrong number again and I was about to pass out from embarrassment. Imagine it!” The man giggles. 

“Uhm... I guess,” he responds dryly, “I’m sorry but who are you? And why are you calling me? I already told everyone what I know about Seungyoun and Seungwoo...” Wooseok shifts in his spot besides the little coffee table on his left. A picture of him, his mom and his stepfather on it. A gift from his mother. 

“Ah! I’m the one who should be sorry. My name is Kim Yohan... I’m 20 years old? I spoke over the phone with your mom, Wooseok-ah!” Yohan exclaims spritely. Wooseok thinks for a second how Yohan’s voice seems to be irradiating something like white light even through the phone, a contrast with Wooseok’s monotal and gray voice. Wait. _ His mom? Wooseok-ah?! _

_ “ _I apologize, Kim Yohan-ssi...” He pronounces quietly, almost breathless. “I don’t know what you’re talking about and I believe I'm older than you...” That last sentence coming out more as a question than an actual answer. 

“Oh, I know! But formalities are a pain in the ass for me and you’re not that much older anyways!” The enthusiasm in Yohan’s voice is killing Wooseok. Has anyone ever been that excited to talk to him? Like... ever? “I can call you like that, right?” 

He didn’t even realize he followed Yohan’s sense of direction until he spoke the “Yes.” and the man let out another giggle. Yohan was really a giggly person, Wooseok thought. And it made him uncomfortable. “Good! Because now that we’re going to live together, I hope we can become friends! The bests of friends!” 

Wooseok hums. A friend? He doesn’t have friends. He hasn’t had a friend since he left his home and Seungyoun and Seungwoo. He- “Living together? Wait, what?!” Wooseok raises his voice a little – very unlike him. Even himself is surprised at it. 

“Yes! And you better be ready and prepared because I'll be there in five minutes! Goodbye, Wooseok-ah!” He frowns—or at least his eyebrows furrow in an attempt to get as close as it can to a frown. He can’t tell anyways. 

His roommate, Wooseok clarifies for himself. Kim Yohan. Weird. It burns his tongue. And when he’s ready to forget the conversation that took place seconds ago, trying to pass it off as a cruel prank from people he’d like to forget, the front door opens. 

And Kim Yohan appears. “Wooseok-ah!” Each word that comes out of Kim Yohan’s mouth feels like they’re wrapped in a layer of happiness and it’s too bright, too joyful, too enthusiastic. 

Sitting in the kitchen table, Yohan and Wooseok stared at each other intently. Well, more like Wooseok stares _ at _Yohan intently while Yohan is slurping on his noodles. Still too dazed to believe something like this is happening and that his routine is broken like a shattered glass –which made him feel uneasy. Kim Yohan was really something. Looking like he could beat Wooseok up in a thigh-wrestling match if he wanted, but with puppy eyes and full lips that could make you give up in a heartbeat. 

He feels a bit dizzy, to say the least. 

“Whatchustaring at hehe,” Yohan speaks with noodles coming out of his mouth. A silly smile on his face. Wooseok flinches. “Yohan-ssi, can you please eat and then talk... it’s kind of disgusting.” Wooseok makes a face at him and he can swear he sees Yohan grin. But then he nods. Eats. And swallows. 

“Don’t call me ‘Yohan-ssi’, Wooseok-ah! I already told you formalities make me uncomfortable.” Yohan stands up and makes his way through the kitchen for the trash. When he finishes what he was up to, he looks at the older with a smile. “Call me Yohan-ah.” 

“Why?” Wooseok is confused. Confused by how vivid Yohan is. How easy he can make things like this look. _ Things like this, Wooseok? You’re acting like meeting someone is the end of the world. Get a grip of yourself. _But that’s the thing, Wooseok doesn’t meet people. Wooseok doesn’t make friends. Wooseok is just...there. Until he won’t be anymore. 

“Yohan. Yohan-ah,” he tests it out. And it’s scary. It's scary to him how easy the name rolls out of his tongue. It makes him shiver. After that, there’s an abrupt silence. Yohan looks at Wooseok with something in his eyes that he can’t really decipher – and doesn’t try to. He feels like Kim Yohan is a mystery that will be hard to resolve. But then he giggles. 

“See! It wasn’t so bad!” 

_ No, it wasn’t. _Wooseok wants to say. But he doesn’t. He just looks at Yohan and clears his throat. 

Later, when his mother calls to ask him “how’s the new roommate” and to say she is sorry she didn’t tell him earlier about him, but that he needed to see something else than the four walls of his room, Wooseok can’t complain. So, he goes for the simple. “He doesn’t look so bad. This doesn’t look so bad.” 

Except for the fact that they have to share a room, since Wooseok didn’t have the time to clean the one he uses as a deposit. 

After spending two weeks with him, Wooseok eventually learns Yohan could be a pain in the ass when he wanted to. And it starts when Yohan sees Wooseok doesn’t eat breakfast. “Outrageous!” Yohan screams at him and quickly gets up to make a simple sandwich for him too. “You need to eat, Wooseok hyung! You’re too pretty to be deteriorating your health like this.” 

Ah, he also learns Yohan only calls him ‘hyung’ when he wants something. Or just switches from hyung to Wooseok-ah when he feels like it. Like that time, where he wanted Wooseok to accompany him to buy Choco Chex at the nearest convenience store – at 6 AM. He whined and whined until Wooseok agreed to. Wooseok thinks he won’t be able to forget the happiness Yohan irradiated when he said yes. But once again, this is Yohan who we are talking about. Someone who’s wrapped in joyfulness and shines like a white light that blinds him sometimes. 

In a month, Wooseok has come to know that Yohan is clingy too. Very. Always beside him when they walk around campus, with his arm around Wooseok’s shoulders. And that he gets cold easily, going as far as trying to cuddle with Wooseok on nights he can’t seem to sleep in his own room, “_ Because it’s too cold, hyung!” _with a pout that never leaves his lips. Just like that glow that he irradiates. 

Wooseok is jealous. Jealous of the way Yohan seems to be shining at any given moment. How that smile never disappears. Wooseok is jealous, because he wishes he could have an ounce of that happiness in his life. 

And it makes Wooseok feel like a lost child – the way Yohan seems to be taking care of him every day. Reminding him to eat, and if he doesn’t, Yohan somehow will know and make Wooseok eat with him. Reminding him to sleep. To be a real _ person. _

So that’s why it takes him out of place, “Hyung, do you hate me?” Yohan looks at him with his characteristically puppy eyes. “Do you...” Yohan shifts uncomfortably in his seat across him. “Do you not like me? Did I do something?” 

Wooseok feels his jaw drop. “No,” he says, hastily, backtracking, “No, you didn’t. And I don’t hate you, Yohan-ah.” 

Yohan lets out a sigh of relief and takes Wooseok’s hand on his. Wooseok freezes on his spot and his eyes wide, but Yohan doesn’t seem to notice and his grip isn’t too strong – it’s like telling Wooseok it’s okay to pull back if it makes him feel uncomfortable, yet he doesn’t. Wooseok stays like that, with Yohan’s thumb leaving soft traces on his knuckles. 

“You know, hyung. I noticed it.” The way Yohan talks is very different from his usual self. Slow and calm. “I noticed the sparkle that is no longer there, in your eyes.” Wooseok is taken aback. He feels numb. He can now feel the conversation that’s about to come_ . Eat, sleep more. Try to smile. Be happy – as if it was that easy. _His parents say that a lot. 

But it goes oppositely from what Wooseok had expected. “I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t know who or what hurt you and made you the way you are now... But I believe it’s all in the past. The person you were yesterday isn’t here anymore, just like the person you will be tomorrow isn’t here yet...” He smiles at Wooseok, kindly. Wooseok feels odd. And his throat is slightly hurting. 

“I want you to be happy, Wooseok-ah. I want you to smile like a child who hasn’t been hurt by this world. I want you to enjoy all the activities you used to but in time, stopped doing so. I want you to find things about life worth celebrating, even if they’re ridiculous in other’s eyes – but it won’t matter, if it makes you feel joy.” Wooseok fights back a sudden wave of nausea. 

“I want to bring a little bit of happiness in your life. I promise I will, even if it takes me away.” Wooseok doesn’t put much thought at that sentence when there’s only one thing on his mind right now. 

“Why?” 

“Because you deserve it.” 

And then there’s something about the way Yohan smiles after saying that, like there’s more to his promise than what he’s telling, that makes Wooseok slightly smile too. 

Yohan takes his promise to heart. Too much. It’s a Saturday, and Wooseok is finally catching up on sleep when his door bursts open and it scares the shit out of him – to say the least. He’s now on the floor, tangled in his comforter and Yohan lets an energized laugh. “Don’t laugh...” Wooseok is sulking, and he’s being a little too childish but he doesn’t care. Yohan is laughing at him! 

Wooseok gets up from the floor right when Yohan stops his laughing fit and he gazes fiercely at Yohan. “Wooseok-ah, I know you’re not really mad at me. Come on, get ready! We're going out today. I'll give you ten minutes!” 

Wooseok doesn’t know why is he listening to Yohan, but he’s ready when Yohan comes knocking on his door. “Wooseok-ah? Ready?” 

“Yes.” He grabs his wallet from his bed and makes his way out of the room. The look Yohan gives him kind of makes him blush. “You look stunning, hyung! See, everything looks good on you.” 

Yohan smiles fondly at him – that smile where he shows his bunny teeth, that smile that makes you feel appreciated, and then takes Wooseok’s hand on his. The touch freezing Wooseok again, but this time around he lets it be. Wooseok likes it, he likes the feeling of Yohan’s hand squeezing his and the difference between his delicate hand and Yohan’s (Wooseok made it a mental note to gift him a hand lotion for his birthday.) 

And the thought makes Wooseok stop. He doesn’t know when Yohan’s birthday is. “What’s wrong, Wooseok-ah?” Yohan looks at him worried. Like he is the most fragile thing in the world. Wooseok hates it. 

“When is your birthday?” Yohan frowns at him, like the question caught him off guard but quickly changes his expression to his usual bubbly self. Weird. “September 22th.” He still answers, anyways. 

_ Good. _

After that little moment, they resume their walk to the parking lot. Wooseok looks genuinely shocked at what he’s seeing, and Yohan can’t help but laugh at him. 

“I’m not going on that.” Wooseok gestures to the motorcycle in front of him. Yohan’s motorcycle, to be more exact. 

Yohan whines and stomps his feet on the asphalt. “Hyung!” 

Needless to say, Wooseok didn’t win that round. So there he is, holding onto dear life to Yohan’s waist with his eyes shut, feeling like he’s in some sort of movie. 

“Open your eyes!” Yohan mildly screams so he could be heard over the sound of the wind. Wooseok doesn’t want to know how he knew he had his eyes closed. “As much as I love your face on the crook of my neck, I think you should live a little, Wooseok-ah!” 

Upon hearing that, a nervous Wooseok rapidly detaches himself from Yohan’s neck. He can feel Yohan laughing and he rolls his eyes. Wooseok thinks – if he’s going to die right now, then he should at least open his eyes to know where the heck will he fall. And he is glad he did so. 

The sun shining on his face and the wind messing his bangs (he needs a haircut). He feels like he could scream out of pleasure. For experimenting things, that he never thought he’d have the chance to. And it makes him want to cry too. It makes him want to cry how something as trivial as going on a motorbike ride can make him feel this free – the feeling overwhelming him, making him feel alive for the first time in years, probably. 

So that’s why Wooseok doesn’t realize they stop at a beach, too focused on his emotions. Yohan takes Wooseok deeper into it, inviting him to take off his shoes and feel the sand tickling his feet. Wooseok accepts the offer. While looking at the beach, he thinks of Yohan. And then it hits him. 

“Don’t you have any more friends?” Yohan chokes on his own saliva – and starts laughing. Like he has heard the funniest joke in his life. Probably is. Yohan having no friends? Seems unlikely and downright ridiculous. “Of course, I do, hyung.” 

Wooseok feels humiliated. Of course he does. 

Sensing Wooseok’s uncomfortability, Yohan takes his hand and shots one of his usual smiles. “But I love spending time with you.” 

Wooseok tsks. Why would someone like to spend time with him? He’s the most boring person on Earth. 

“You’re not the most boring person on Earth, hyung.” 

Wooseok frowns at that. Did he say it out loud? How embarrassing. 

“I’m just stating the truth. Most of the time you’re the one initiating everything. And taking care of me. I don’t like going out, so you have to drag me out. I barely eat, so you’re always there to make sure I do. I don’t have friends. You do.” He knows he’s rambling, and that Yohan is slightly hurt by the way he thinks of himself but he can’t seem to stop his train of self-deprecating thoughts. 

And neither he realizes he’s crying until Yohan hugs him and whispers in his ear, “It’s okay, Wooseok-ah. I'm here.” Wooseok stands there awkwardly, not really sure of what to do with his hands. He isn’t really into skin ship and something like hugs makes him feel uncomfortable. 

Yohan hums. “Cry if you want to do it. Cry when you need to do it. Just make sure not to drown in your tears.” He smiles, ever so slightly. So softly. Not like his usual brightness. More of a softer, gentler glow that makes him look like an angel. “I'll be here to make sure you don’t drown, in your tears and in your thoughts. I’ll pull you out when you need me to. It’s my job, Wooseok.” 

It’s his job. Yohan’s job. Why is this his job? “You don’t have to do this, Yohan-ah.” Yohan just hugs him tighter. _ Because I want to. _

But Wooseok hugs Yohan as tight as the younger does. A silent _ thank you. _Because Wooseok is too much of a coward to say those words out loud. 

And Wooseok doesn’t know how to describe this feeling starting in the pit of his stomatch either. He doesn’t want to call it butterflies, because they are not. It's more like a sense of comfortability – knowing that Yohan makes him feel comfortable, and for a person like Wooseok... That’s enough. 

Wooseok realizes Yohan really has a _ lot _of friends. He’s not trying to stalk him or anything, but every time he sees Yohan in the halls or walking out of his classes with a group of people surrounding him, Wooseok can’t say he is surprised (probably a little embarrassed – and he feels bad for Yohan. He really takes much of his time, one he could easily be spending with fun pals.) 

And he can’t say he’s surprised either how Yohan seems to forget everything and everyone the moment he spots Wooseok – his smile is blindly, like the usual Yohan is, but you can’t help to keep looking. Just like those times when you were a toddler and you tried to stare directly into the sun and your mom is scolding you for it. 

Saying Wooseok isn’t surprised at all doesn’t change the fact that he feels intimidated by the looks the others give him when that happens. Just like the situation right now: Wooseok was trying to escape from the crowded cafeteria, giving up on eating something simply because he didn’t feel like it. But then, somehow, Yohan sees him and drags him to sit with him in his table with other boys. And in top of that, Yohan gave Wooseok his lunch. He wanted the Earth to swallow him whole. 

Nothing (read: the stares) seems to bug Yohan though, because he’s still too occupied in making Wooseok eat. “I told you, you have to eat, hyung!” 

Wooseok internally whines like a kid that doesn’t want to eat his vegetables. “Don’t do this right now, Yohan-ah.” _ We have company. _Thankfully, Yohan seems to catch the look on Wooseok’s eyes and stops. Instead, he introduces him to his friends. They smile at him politely. Wooseok doesn’t put much effort into it because he knows he won’t remember their names anyways. They all have that glow – not as powerful as Yohan’s, but still there. 

And Wooseok is jealous again, but this time around... because he wishes he could make Yohan smile the way one of his friends is doing so. 

After they leave, and it’s only the two of them, Yohan starts teasing him. “Were you jealous, hyung?” with that mischievous grin Wooseok wants to forget. He rolls his eyes and busies himself with the straw of his half-drank coffee. 

“Doesn’t matter anyways, you’re still my favorite person in the world.” 

Wooseok prays to the Gods that Yohan can’t hear how hard his heart started beating. Then Wooseok notices Yohan was holding his hand the whole time his friends were there and never let go. 

“Don’t say that, Yohan-ah.” 

“Why not? I think you’re a very special person.” Wooseok wants to say, _ No, I’m not. _But somehow, Yohan is always quick to read his thoughts. “You’re only human. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” 

It’s September 21th, 11:30 pm when the clock reminds Wooseok that Yohan’s birthday is tomorrow and he still hasn’t bought him a gift. He doesn’t even spare a glance at Yohan who is making himself food and just tries to get to the mall as soon as possible before it closes down. 

He's sweating the moment he reaches the store and Wooseok has to take a few breathers with his hands on his knees. After that, he’s ready to go in and pick something. 

Going through the aisles, it doesn’t take much time for him to take a simple milk-based lotion, (he actually remembered what he wanted to give Yohan for his birthday!) and to pick up a simple cupcake he knows Yohan will appreciate? Or at least will pretend to, because that’s just how nice Yohan is. 

He’s ready to pay for his things when his eyes catch the glimpse of something. More like, someone. And Wooseok just freezes there, feeling all his senses going numb and his chest getting heavier. He can hear the cashier asking him if he’s okay, but he can’t answer her. 

Wooseok goes back to his therapist words, “_ They’re not there, Wooseok. It's all in your mind. Close your eyes, take a moment, count to three and breathe.” _Wooseok does as told. And it calms him down mid-way. He can feel the gaze of the cashier on him, worried but doesn’t say anything. Wooseok appreciates it, because he just wants to get the hell out of there. So, when he’s done paying, he literally runs out of the mall to get to his home as soon as possible. 

If Yohan wants to say something the moment he sees Wooseok that pale after closing the door to their room, he doesn’t say anything either. He just stares at him with his mug in his hands, sipping his tea. He glances at the clock. _ 11:59 pm. _Great, at least he made it on time. 

_ 12:00 am. _

_ “ _Happy birthday, Yohan-ah.” Wooseok murmurs lowly. He thinks Yohan didn’t hear him but the thought is quickly dismissed when Yohan wraps his arms around his smaller form and buries his face on the crook of his neck, inhaling softly. 

“Thank you, Wooseok-ah.” Wooseok doesn’t know how many minutes pass with them staying like that. But he likes it, he’s comfortable. “Oh! I got you a present.” 

Yohan lets go and raises an eyebrow at him. Wooseok hands him the supermarket bag and then sits on his bed (he was too out of it to even buy him a proper bag.), he looks away, too embarrassed to see Yohan’s reaction. 

Yohan’s smile just gets bigger. If that ever could happen. And it takes him off guard the moment Yohan literally jumps on him, mouthing a bunch of thank you’s, this is perfect! 

Wooseok can’t say that his heart and pride slightly swell at that. And he smiles. Wooseok smiles for the first time he’s known Yohan and it seems like Yohan is happy with the sight. 

“You’re smiling.” Yohan says. 

“I am.” 

And then Yohan smiles with him too. 

It’s later that night when Wooseok realizes he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. “Are you asleep, Yohan-ah?” he softly says, trying not to wake up the younger if he was asleep, unlike Wooseok. “No. What's up?” Yohan answers from across the room. 

“I can’t sleep.” 

Yohan lets out a faint giggle. “I noticed, hyung.” Wooseok hums. Sounds come from Yohan’s bed and before Wooseok can process what’s going on, Yohan is on his bed, by his side. Wooseok gets up, startled but doesn’t send Yohan back. Instead, he makes more space for Yohan to get comfortable – Wooseok's back now against the wall. 

“I want to get to you know better, Wooseok-ah.” 

“You already know a lot about me.” It’s dark, but Wooseok can picture Yohan shaking his head. “Yes, I know a lot about you. But only things your mother told me-” 

Yohan clears his throat and tries to imitate his mom’s voice, “_ -Wooseok is older than you, he’s 22. His birthday is on October 27th. Business school. And he’s going through a hard time, so he’s very... susceptible. I apologize in advance for his attitude.” _Wooseok laughs, that’s something his mother would definitely say. 

“She’s right, Yohan-ah. There's nothing much to know about me except for that.” Yohan flicks his forehead. “Hey! What was that for? I'm older than you, brat!” 

“That is for letting other’s words define you, especially words like that! I'm pretty sure you’re more than whatever you’re going through. The pain you feel shouldn’t shape you as a person, Wooseok-ah.” 

“-And for me, it’s the little things you like that define you. Like how do you like your coffee in the morning – which I know now you like it dark and bitter, and that’s disgusting by the way-” 

Wooseok interrupts his speech. “My favorite color is purple.” 

“What?” Yohan looks taken aback. Did he do something wrong? 

“My favorite color is purple, and my number one food is chicken feet.” 

“I like reading. I can’t see clearly without my glasses and I’m allergic to contact lenses.” 

“I wanted to be a barista and open my own café when I was little.” Wooseok smiles to himself at the memory of him going every day to the café near his house to help the owner. 

“See! The little things, hyung. Those are what define you – not your medical expedient or how many careers have you tried to study.” Yohan claps his hands, satisfied with Wooseok opening up to him. But his demeanor turned a little – gray. Like something was bothering him real bad. 

“I know it’s probably not my place to ask but – why were you so pale when you came back home? Who are Seungyoun and Seungwoo?” Wooseok stays still. “I won’t judge you for anything, hyung. And you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to really-” 

“They were my friends back in my hometown. My only friends, to say the least.” 

Yohan looks at him surprised, “Hyung- it’s fine if you don’t want to. I won’t pressure you to do anything.” 

“No, I want to. Let me do this for you, at least.” Yohan, sensing the determination in Wooseok’s aura, just nods. “First of all. I think it’s time for me to come out to you. I’m gay - I hope you’re not homophobic because then that’d be a huge problem.” Yohan tells him it’s fine and softly smiles at him. 

“Did they know it?” 

“Yes. Everyone in that little town knew – which brings me back to the story, well... We- we were inseparable. Always together at school, the park, wherever you looked, there was Seungyoun, Seungwoo and Wooseok together.” 

“Until you weren’t anymore.” 

Wooseok hums agreeing to that. “Somehow, somewhere in time – Seungyoun and Seungwoo became a couple. I never noticed it, really but I wasn’t mad. I was happy for my two best friends finding happiness in each other.” 

“But then – their parents, which were the type of _ I’m-religious-and-I-don't-agree-with-this-if-it's-my-son- _ found out. I accidentally said it in a family dinner.” 

“And they weren’t happy with it?” Wooseok sadly smiles and shakes his head. “No, not at all.” 

Yohan covered his mouth with his hand and furrowed his brows. “They blamed you for it.” 

Wooseok wants to fight the wave of tears that come to him. “They started saying I contaminated their sons with the spawn of the devil. That it was all my fault that their kids were going through the wrong path to Heaven.” 

Wooseok vividly remembers that night – the glasses being broken. The way Seungyoun and Seungwoo ran away. How their parents spilled wine on him and his mom when she tried to stand up for him. 

“At that moment, I really- I really felt like it was all my fault, like something was wrong with me. I was alone, and as a young kid fighting with the thoughts and the things that were said.” 

_ You made my children the way they are now. _

_ You’ll go to Hell. _

_ Everything is wrong with you. _

Yohan looks at him, confused and angry. “And what happened with the other two? Why did they let you take all those punches without standing up for you- what kind of friends are those? Jesus I'm so-” 

“They left town the moment their parents found out - I haven’t seen them since. I was blamed for that, too.” 

“No wonder you said that in our first phone call – they still call to ask you about the couple, don’t they?” Wooseok nods. “I know that happened a long time ago, but you weren’t to blame for all that. There's nothing wrong with your sexuality and it’s not a choice either.” 

“I know that, and I'm fine with that. I have accepted myself a while ago but it’s just – sometimes I just close my eyes and remember all the times I came back home to slurs written on the windows. My mom getting fired from her job and how she lost all her friends over me. My dad leaving because he couldn’t handle the backlash.” 

“And the thing I hate the most... it’s how sometimes I can still picture them being happy, us being happy. And feel like I was the causing of all that being gone, broken, in just a second.” 

“No - Wooseok-ah, I know my words probably aren’t a lot of help and it’s something you’ve heard a lot but you can’t blame yourself for the problems others face in their lives. Their parents would’ve found out one way or another because the truth cannot be hidden forever. You didn’t make them _ that way _like they said, first of all – it's their life, and second. It's not a choice, just like I said before to you.” 

“The way you were literally forced to escape from there is – it's really something that angers me but that wasn’t your fault either. It's not your fault those people are still stuck with those close-minded beliefs-” 

“And... Wooseok-ah, have you ever thought that, maybe your friends are happy now? Truly happy where they are now. Without people pointing fingers at them, then, why can’t you let yourself be happy too?” 

Wooseok really tries his best not to break down into sobs – because no one has ever been that interested in him and how he felt before. Of course, his mom was always there to remind him it wasn’t his fault. But she is his mother, she’d be on his side anyways. 

Now, hearing it from a stranger’s perspective, it hurts him. It hits him. Why hasn’t he allowed himself to be happy? Why was he still punishing himself over something like this? 

Yohan hugs him tight and Wooseok remembers their conversation at the beach. _ Cry when you want to, I’ll be there to make sure you don’t drown. _And then he cries. He cries like he had never done it before, with Yohan curling his fingers on his brown locks and caressing it softly. 

“I don’t know why I couldn’t let myself be happy. I feel pathetic.” 

“You don’t always need an answer to everything. Feelings like those... only you can understand them – but don’t let them rule you, not anymore. And don’t worry, hyung. I’m here to give you the little push you need. Anytime.” 

They stay like that for a little longer, with Wooseok letting out little sobs and Yohan softly swinging him around, like a baby. 

After Wooseok calms down, “And now you have to answer a question I have for you, Yohan-ah.” 

Wooseok wants to hold Yohan’s hand so bad, but he knows he’s not allowed to. Or that he thinks so. Anyway, Wooseok is not as bold as Yohan is. That’s why he just keeps his hands to himself and plays with his fingers. 

“Anything, hyung.” 

“Why are you doing this? Why are you taking such responsibility of me? I should be the one taking care of you, not the other way around, and don’t say it’s because you want to. I won’t believe it.” 

There's silence for a while, which is something very unlike the Yohan who always has an answer and remark for everything. 

“My dad once told me I was too kind, too naive for this world. And that it was a trait that would cause me either good or harm. I agreed with him – but I never let anyone take me for a fool. I haven’t done what I'm doing right now with you to someone else. Or maybe I have, just not as deep, I think?” 

Wooseok shakes his head. Yohan really is _ too _kind. “You said – you said this was your job. Why – why must this be - why is this your job?” 

Yohan lets out a long sigh and hooks his arms around Wooseok’s waist. “There are some things that are better left unspoken. I just - I just want you to know that I'm doing this because I want to – because I want to see you happy. Beautiful.” 

“I’m not asking for you to be happy every day because that’s nearly impossible. You're a human, you have feelings too – even though people might say you don’t just because you’re not as expressive as they are. I want to you to see for yourself how life can be a little more bearable if you let go, if you stop punishing yourself. To treat yourself like you’d treat a friend you really love and care for.” 

Wooseok kinda gets the comparison. You won’t punish a friend for a crime you know they didn’t commit. You won’t hate a friend when you know they’re not to blame. You won’t - or at least you shouldn’t, block a friend’s happiness. 

“I’m okay, Yohan.” Yohan lets out a bitter laugh. 

“I know you’re not completely okay. Maybe, you never will. Or maybe, you will. Time will tell if you let it do. I just don’t want you to keep pretending with me and-” 

Yohan tries to hide the cough that stops him from finishing his sentence, but Wooseok could still feel it. “Are you okay, Yohan-ah?” 

“I’m fine, hyung. Don't worry.” Wooseok doesn’t respond and lets it be. “And - and I do this because I like you.” Wooseok freezes. He thinks he doesn’t bat an eyelash. “Is it so bad the thought of me liking you, hyung?” Yohan is teasing him, he knows. 

_ No, _ Wooseok thinks. _ It’s not bad. _

Instead, Wooseok keeps his gaze on the lamp beside the bed. Hoping the light would blind him more than Yohan does. 

“If I have to list the things I like about you I'd start with your face. Not a secret that you’re fucking beautiful,” Wooseok blushes at that, “I like it when you smile, I wish you’d smile more often and not cover it with your hand.” He noticed that? Wooseok is amazed. “But, above all, I like it when you make me your favorite chocolate drink. How excited you get when you see a child in the park, and you start playing with them. I like it when we’re watching a movie you love and your eyes sparkle. I like the way your eyes sparkle when you look _ at _me.” 

“Yohan- I-” Was Wooseok ready to say what he felt out loud? He wasn’t sure. He had a way with words, yeah, but over time he’s closed off himself so much- 

“It’s fine, hyung. You don’t have to reciprocate my feelings. Not yet. I wish you’d do it though because the clock is ticking and time never stops for anyone.” Yohan jokes, or that’s what Wooseok wants to believe. 

After a moment of complete silence between them, Wooseok speaks up. _ Coward. _“You know, you’re like an angel.” Yohan shivers for a second at that but Wooseok blames it on the chilly night. Acting like nothing happened, Yohan grins. “I know that, but thank you very much!” 

Wooseok doesn’t know when did they fall asleep, all he knows is that he slept like a baby, with Yohan’s arms curled on his waist, making Wooseok the little spoon... Something like that, yeah, Wooseok could get used to it. 

Except that, Wooseok wakes up at dawn, sweating and breathing heavy, with Yohan still by his side sleeping peacefully. Wooseok was having a nightmare. One where he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, only hear. There were a lot of beds and people talking over him. 

Then Yohan starts coughing very loud, startling Wooseok. “Yohan! Yohan, are you okay?” He tries to wake him up. 

Yohan sits up on the bed and Wooseok palms his back. “Everything’s okay. Just- just go back to sleep.” His voice was husky, his throat was probably sore. Wooseok thinks Yohan might be getting sick. 

“It’s fine, I don’t think I can go back to sleep. Had a nightmare.” 

Yohan’s strangely quiet, his gaze fixated on the ground. “Did- did anything bad happen?” 

Wooseok brushes it off with a wave and gets up from the bed, telling Yohan he’ll go make breakfast since it’s still his birthday. Yohan flashes a bunny-teeth smile. Wooseok ignores the way his heart beats a little faster. 

Wooseok makes his specialty – pancakes. That’s something he knows he’s good at and he hopes Yohan will like. 

He’s pleased when Yohan starts munching on his food. “Hyung! This is deliciouzz!” He says with his mouth full of food. 

Wooseok laughs at him. “Yohan-ah, what did I tell you of eating with your mouth full?” 

Yohan pouts and lets out a “fine, hyung.” and continues to finish his breakfast in silence. “Wait, Yohan, how are you feeling?” He lets his chopsticks fall the moment Wooseok says that. Wooseok furrows his brows, confused. “Did I say something wrong?” he says, almost inaudibly. 

“No! No. I'm fine. You don’t have to worry!” Yohan starts speaking, fast, like he was in a hurry to convince Wooseok – and himself. Like to change the topic, Yohan quickly storms out of the kitchen to their bedroom and comes back with two things on his hands. 

“What do you have in there?” 

“I know it’s my birthday, but I have something for you too.” Yohan gets closer to Wooseok, grabs him by the arm and makes him sit on the chair beside him. Yohan hands him two gifts: a letter and a bracelet with an angel pendant. 

Wooseok is speechless. He only got Yohan a lotion and a cupcake. “I- what is this?” 

Yohan delicately takes Wooseok’s wrist and puts the bracelet on it, satisfied with the way it looks on Wooseok. “I know you called me an angel, but I think the real angel here is you, so when I saw it I couldn’t stop myself.” Wooseok admires it. He loves it. _ Or does he love the person who put it on him? _

_ “ _ And the letter... I want you read it when- if I'm gone.” _ What? _ Wooseok wants to scream. He gets up from the table like something had possessed him and starts walking back and forth. 

“What do you mean when you’re gone – Yohan – I don’t see a future without you.” Yohan bits his lip. 

“Hyung-” 

“No, Yohan! You have to promise me, you have to promise me you’ll be here tomorrow, that you will be here with me, for five years, ten years. You can’t- you can’t leave me too. You can’t be just like them.” Wooseok is about to have an attack, really. And he says the last part lowly. He isn’t even sure if Yohan heard him, but by the way he’s making his way towards him and wrapping Wooseok in a hug, he knows Yohan paid attention. 

Yohan leans in, whispering softly in his ear. “I- I can’t, don’t want to be like them. Ever. The future is unsure though, and I can’t promise things I’m not sure I can’t keep and come true... But if I’d have to make a birthday wish, Wooseok, I wish that you will be a very successful person. You have to do it, not for me, but for yourself. I told you I was going to give you that little push, even if I’m not there to witness it.” 

Yohan doesn’t say anything anymore, slowly detaching himself from Wooseok, but staying as close as he could be. He looks at Wooseok’s lips. Wooseok does too – he looks at Yohan’s. But then, Yohan abruptly pulls away and goes out the house. Leaving Wooseok in the middle of the kitchen with the thought of a frustrated kiss lingering on his lips, a slightly broken heart and a cupcake waiting for its candles to be blown. 

Yohan comes home a few hours after, but doesn’t talk to Wooseok. Wooseok doesn’t talk to him either. And they stay like that. With their prides being stronger than the desire of being close to each other again. Wooseok keeps having these weird dreams, where he’s on a bed, and people are talking about him _ over _him but Wooseok can’t make his presence be known. Also, Yohan gets sicker as the day passes, and it worries Wooseok to the bone. He doesn’t know what Yohan is hiding and he doesn’t think he’s in place to know. 

Wooseok tries to move on with his life, though. He’s not as bad as he was when he first met Yohan. Wooseok is slowly, but surely letting himself go and healing his wounds – still, he knows he wouldn’t be doing that if it wasn’t for Yohan. He talks to his mother with more enthusiasm, and Wooseok is paying attention to more of his classes and his classmates. 

But it’s twenty-two days later, with half-assed conversations about home issues and just Yohan making sure he’s eating and sleeping well, that Wooseok can’t handle it anymore. He can’t handle Yohan being the one expressing how he feels, either. He can’t handle being a coward, he was determined to let it all in the past. _ Because the person you were yesterday isn’t here anymore. _

** Wooseok **

** 10:32 pm **

_ Meet me at the beach _

_ Seen _

** Kim Yohan **

** 10:35 pm **

_ I’ll be there _

So, it’s 11:00 PM when he’s still waiting for Yohan to come. It’s fine, Wooseok says to himself. Yohan would never dump him, right? In the middle of the night in some beach. 

It's when the clock hits 11:20 PM that Yohan arrives and Wooseok forgets everything he had to said when he sees the state Yohan is. He’s pale, shaking and his nose is red. Wooseok hurries to his side, “Yohan-ah, are you okay?” 

“I’m- I will talk about it later, hyung. But what was so urgent that you wanted to talk about right now?” Yohan tries to catch his breath, like he ran all the way here. Wooseok feels bad. “I-” 

Wooseok clears his throat, having the courage to hold Yohan’s hands on his for the first time, “First of all, please don’t interrupt me.” Yohan diligently nods, “And, I realized I never said thank you for all you’ve done to me these past couple of months. So, thank you, Yohan-ah. I want to thank you for coming into my life and I want you to know that you weren’t just some kind of rehab for me – because you aren’t. I'm so, so grateful for the very fact that you’re here. That you’ve been here all this time. Not just for the things you’ve done for me, all the things you've said to me and taught me— but just you. Everything that you are and you will ever be.” 

Wooseok is nervous, how the pitch of his voice gets higher with every word he says gives it away. 

“I think I didn’t realize how lonely my life was and how invested I was on my misery until you came into it and showed me the little things that matter the most. And I apologize because you’ve been there for me, but I feel like I wasn’t there for you all this time-” Yohan tries to speak up, “What did I say at the beginning? And don’t ever dare to say that taking care of me was your job, because I don’t want to hear it. As a your hyung, as a human, and as- as-” 

“What is it, hyung?” 

He had to say it. “And as the person who loves you, I should have given you more attention from my part, to show you that I do care, too – and yeah, not like. I love you, Kim Yohan. I love you. This is – this is the first time I'm saying I love you to someone, giving them my heart and soul, but still keeping a part for me... just to be sure.” 

“You- you love me.” Yohan repeats to himself. 

“Yes, silly. I love you... I think you’re — wonderful. You’re sweet like that cereal you like, and you’re warm like the sun in a very shiny day and you’re so, so - kind just like your father said. You’re always _ so _ cheerful and playful and friendly and- and I was being a coward to tell you this. I was scared because you are everything I wasn’t, and I thought we could never be anything because dawn and dusk never meet each other.” 

Wooseok looks at the bracelet on his wrist and then looks at Yohan, who is trembling in front of him. “I love you too, Wooseok.” And Wooseok can say he had never seen Yohan cry until that moment, where Yohan broke down and hugged him like everything was about to end. 

Wooseok separates himself from Yohan to finally do something he’s been dying to do for twenty-two days. “Can I kiss you?” Yohan nods. 

They kiss. There are not fireworks, not butterflies in his stomach or elephants dancing in it. Just a sense of comfort that Wooseok wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. And happiness. The feeling of extreme happiness that Wooseok had rarely experimented in his life – and Yohan was so overjoyed to give him that, because that’s what Wooseok needed the most in his life. 

And Yohan is sorry for all the time wasted on that petty fight and his pride taking the best of hime the moment he falls to the floor, with Wooseok screaming his name and asking him what’s going on, what’s happening with him. Yohan just takes a look of him one last time – his pretty eyelashes and eyes, his plump lips and perfect nose – because everything involving Wooseok was perfect to Yohan. So, he kisses Wooseok's eyelids, his cheeks, his nose, his forehead and one last peck to his lips. 

“Look - look,” Yohan has to take a deep breath, “Under your pillow, Wooseok-ah.” 

And then Wooseok wakes up. 

Wooseok takes a deep breath, his eyes aching by the white blinding light that surrounds the room. He doesn’t know how he got there, but he wants to know where Yohan is. 

“Yohan...?” 

“Oh my God! Mrs. Kim, he woke up!” A familiar voice screams. Seungyoun...? “Wooseokie - Wooseokie, are you okay? Oh my God, I'm so sorry, we are so sorry.” 

He can hear Seungyoun sobbing and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. And it all gets weirder the moment a doctor and a bunch of nurses with his mom tailing behind them come inside the white room. 

“My baby – my poor baby, I'm so sorry-” his mom starts saying, but Wooseok has no thoughts other than _ Where’s Yohan. _

_ “ _ Mom- mom. Where's Yohan, what’s going on?” Wooseok grabs her by the wrist, noticing that the _ bracelet _was there, on his, along with a hospital one. So where was him? 

His mom looks concerned at him. “Baby, who is Yohan?” 

_ Under the pillow. Wooseok ran to his room the moment he was discharged from the hospital. It was difficult to breathe, to realize Yohan wasn’t there anymore – or that maybe he never existed in the first place. _

_ And under the pillow, there it was. A letter. The letter. With shaky hands, Wooseok took it and opened it. He felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest – but Yohan wanted this, Yohan wanted him to read this letter when he was gone. _

_ “Hi. Hyung. Wooseok-ah. _

_It’s been a while, isn’t it? You're probably mad at me. You probably want to curse at me and kick my ass but – Wooseok, I... I don’t know how to start this. I feel like I was sent into your life for a bigger purpose that you can imagine. To protect you, perhaps. To make you happy, too. I guess it got too out of hand the moment feelings started to get involved. But you know what, Wooseok-ah? I don’t regret it; I don’t regret it in the slightest. Yes, it was my job to make you happy, to make you see life differently from the way you were seeing it before but somewhere between making you happy and being with you every day, even if it was in your dreams, we both got tangled. _

_ I hope you realize you don’t need me there to feel alive; you didn’t need me that much except for the little push to reach that goal someone else had planned for you. You can be happy. You can feel joy now, remember? No need to punish yourself anymore, no need to be blocking your own happiness. Be free, be successful, like I wished for you... I hope you realize too that you’re worth much more than the whole world. That you deserve a lot, and don’t be conformist, okay? Always aim for the big things. _

_ Like the things you said to me the day you confessed... you’re wonderful, you’re sweet, you’re beautiful, but above all, you’re strong; all by yourself. Take a moment to admire yourself in the mirror and see what I saw every day... It's a shame we met like this, but in another life, in another universe, in another setting, I'd still choose you, and fall in love with you, all over again. _

_ I know it’s gonna be selfish to ask, but can you not forget me, hyung? I would like to still live in your thoughts. _

_ I hope you forgive me for this too, even though it’s going to be hard to do so. I'm sorry. I love you. And thank you. Let's meet again when the spring breeze passes us by. This is a promise._

_I'm also sure no one's going to believe you about me being real. But it's okay, let's keep the secret between us. Let's make it more special this way.” _

Some days were harder than others, the thought of Yohan still too real in his fingertips, his eyelids, his cheeks, his forehead - his lips. Too real that he had to take a break to calm his messy mind and erratic breath.

Doctors told him it could have been his own conscious trying to recreate what he needed, what he wanted to hear the most due to the mental state he was in. Crazy, no? How our own brain tries to scream for help. And it came in the form of a person, _an angel_. 

Wooseok clenches the letter on his hands tighter. But the feeling never leaves him. How could it had been a dream when everything felt so real it hurt his chest? 

But, if he was going to be honest with himself, with Yohan... Whether it was a dream or just nothing at all, he’ll be always be thankful. 

_ Thank you too, Yohan-ah. _


End file.
